The Board

So it’s a funny thing life, sometimes. We have shared much joy the last 15 years, the last 9 on this website. And some sadness. It’s been 3 months now, a lifetime ago and just an instant at the same time. As I’ve said before, the mourning will never stop. The memories I will carry for the rest of my life, and with it some of the pain. I hope in time the life Mom lived will make the last months of struggle a faint memory, but I know that will not be the case for some time more. You have all been good friends through this– your gifts were much appreciated, Mike & Adam visiting brought some much needed mirth to a sad time. And I’ll always remember Kelvin & Lucas being with me at the Relay for Life and doing much the same. Some I’ve shared but much I haven’t. Three months in, it’s time to put into words thoughts that have been swimming in my head for 100 days.

I don’t think anyone goes through life without asking the ultimate question– what is there beyond this? Me, I just don’t know. Certainly seeing someone you love– someone that loves you more than anything else on this planet– quickly whither through some unseen evil will make even the most devout question his faith. The thing is, long past the point when I should have realized the inevitable, I still had faith that Mom would recover. I said, “I believe in you.” I wasn’t putting my faith in a higher power or modern medicine, at least not directly. I truly believed that the strength Mom showed through her life would get her through these dark hours and to the other side. After all, this was round 4 or 5 or 6. Round 1 I scarcely gave it a thought, figured Mom would be fine. And she was. I’ve discussed Round 2. Five years ago the evil returned, metastasized and that scared me– but through it Mom kept her spirit and seemed to come through only with a greater sense of determination.

And oh, the strength I witnessed the last year, from Mother’s Day weekend through daily struggles and determination to get better. So when I say I believed in Mom, it wasn’t some corny thing I said to cheer her spirits. I meant it, every word. I believed it. “Don’t tell me the odds.” But I knew what they were. Still, I fought alongside, and gave every ounce I had and then some. You can’t help but reexamine much of your life when encountering major life events, and I certainly did just that and still do so today. But looking back since August, I know I did everything I could, to the limits of what my body could take, even if I wish I could have done more. I am proud of much, and wish I never had reason to know how much strength I was really capable of mustering.

But so it was. The day, the moment really, that we decided Mom had to move to the hospice was among the saddest of my life. The move itself was all that can be expected, and as we rode down the street from the house I’ve called home my whole life it was all so surreal. Of course I was in tears again, and I remember asking Mom, Why am I always the one crying? We were only in hospice about 3 days plus, and I was there the whole time apart from one night. In one of those cosmic coincidences that will be with me forever, I was born in the same town no more than 1 mile away at an old hospital. Of course, that wasn’t all. In the end, I was with my Aaron & John at Mom’s side as her strong spirit left this world. A void that can never be filled. On my birthday, which has troubled me much in the past few months as I wonder what future celebrations could ever be held on that day. As hard as that day was for me, there is nothing that could have pulled me away.

Maybe it really should be on hope, love, belief & coincidence. Those are the themes of this post– what does any of it mean? I still believe in Mom, and it will be some time before I stop being angry at the universe for letting that light leave this world. Love, as I stare at the famous Philly sign that just happened to flash on TV, is a bond that defies explanation. Certainly the bond between parent & child is universal and unbreakable, but perhaps I only learned of its strength in these past 12 months. Even through February, Mom’s concern was for me, would I be alright. Yes. So I’ve resolved that now, and more than before have realized what a full life Mom led and why. When there was an opportunity for a trip, a new friend, to see a new show, to see her kids or grand kids, to visit a new town or restaurant, mom took it. So step by step, little by little I’m trying to do the same. Hence why, after 15 years, I decided to visit Yosemite after about 5 seconds thought. That’s just an example, some will be bigger, most others much smaller.

And the coincidence, my personal elephant in the room. Not happy writing this, but it’s been swirling in my head for 3 months and it’s not going away so here it goes. I took my first breath in this world after Mom delivered me on March 1, 1972 in Danvers, Massachusetts. 39 years later, Mom took her last breath in this world as I was by her side on March 1, 2011 in Danvers, Massachusetts. And I can’t help but be a little haunted by it all, even though a man of science should be able to look at the situation and probabilities and say it’s not that unusual, it doesn’t mean anything. Wish it were that sample. Perhaps a part of me wants to think it wasn’t coincidence, that there is something bigger and that’s where faith comes in I suppose.

And that’s about it, although there is much much more. Like I said, these thoughts have been bouncing around my head for 3 months now, and I think it’s time to write them down, to get it out of my system a little bit. I suspect there will be a bit more of that in the months & years ahead. A part of me wishes I could erase my memory of those last 6 months, because it’s not the way Mom wants me to remember her. At the same time, it was a special episode in my life, experiences that made me stronger and a demonstration of strength & loyalty that I didn’t know I had. So I don’t want to forget it all, I want to remember the good that came out of it and let go of the pain. I just don’t know if that will ever happen. As always, thanks for being great friends and don’t think there’s the need to say anything. [ETA: of course, your thoughts are always welcome. Didn’t quite word that the way I wanted.] I know you’ll all read this, and that’s all I really need. Thanks.

This entry was posted on Sunday, June 5th, 2011 at 5:34 pm by Jake and is filed under Pyslent People. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.